A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
The sky was dark, The moon was high, All alone, Just her and I.
Her hair so soft, Her eyes so blue, I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine, I ran my fingers Down her spine.
I didn't know how, But I tried my best, To place my hand On her breasts.
I remember my fear, My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when she did it, I felt no shame, All at once The white stuff came.
At last it's finished, It's all over now, My first time, Milking a cow!
An elephant was drowning in quicksand. He saw a mouse, and he asked the mouse to save him. The mouse stated that he could not pull him out due to the size ratio, but he would go get his Mercedes, and see what he could do.
So, the mouse got the Mercedes, threw a rope out to the elephant, and saved the elephant's life.
The elephant was so grateful, he asked what he could do. The mouse said he would think of something.
Next week, the mouse was drowning in the quicksand. The mouse called out to the elephant, and reminded the elephant that he had saved his life the earlier week. The elephant lumbered up to the edge of the quicksand, extended his "male member" out as far as it would go, the mouse grabbed on, and the mouse's life was saved.
Moral of the story.....
If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister...a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..."Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi!
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
THE THREE STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus
THE 4 STAGES OF LIFE: Ritalin Prozac Rogaine Viagra
THE THREE STAGES OF MAN: 1. Tri - weekly 2. Try weekly 3. Try weakly
THE 3 STAGES OF SEX AFTER MARRIAGE: 1. The "Anywhere" stage: When you'll do it anywhere - the kitchen table, the shower, on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle.
2. The "Bedroom" stage: When you'll only do it in the bedroom with the lights turned out.
3. The "Hallway" stage: When you pass each other in the hallway and say "F... you!"
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said,"So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
A woman spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly, "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.
By mistake, however, he went to 365 West East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised, but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover, and that someone would be with him soon.
The man loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair, and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally, the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead, entered the room and found the man sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," replied the man, "if you're going to complain about a couple of inches, then I'll take my business elsewhere!"
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